Every morning I wake to a reality and hope that it is a dream. I see the face in this photo, then I see little Kohei’s face and I cry. The face I see in the photo will never change and the face I see in my mirror is 100 years older but in reality it is 561 days older. I’ve lived 561 days of tears, 561 days of a reality that I want to be a dream, 561 days of looking at Kohei and begging him to tell me what he witnessed, and 561 days without answers. I’m looking for a cure, the medicine or a magical healing from the 561 days.
How do I explain myself or try to understand this 561 days of hell. For the sake of my sanity I tried therapy and failed, my second attempt at therapy and two different group therapy sessions on grief were meant to show me coping technics, but ultimately I ran from them screaming because I’m still trying to face an absoluteness of 561 days without Chris.
Today is 561 days and again I wake…I look in the mirror and see a small but distinct change. It is not a change in my face, my mental health or my heart, but in my physical self. So, as a 57 year old mother of three and Granny to five…I am seeing what riding my bike 6 days a week has done to my body. I’m physically stronger and I’m going to say this out loud…I have the beginning of a six pack (William and Keith I’m not talking about a keg either). The physical healing thing isn’t something I had contemplated in this journey. I knew I would need to be able to physically handle long durations of bike riding and I think I’m accomplishing that requirement. Being physically fit again, never entered my thought process because let’s face it…I’m still not in my right mind. Along with the bike riding I’ve also been doing a workout handwritten for me by my baby boy Chris. 561 days ago he hand wrote a six week “Fit Kit” for his Mom. 561 days isn’t exactly six weeks but it’s a start to me being physically fit…medicine which is necessary no matter how disagreeable.